I had a conversation with a woman a while back about anal play and she described feeling “excruciating pain” when attempting to have penetrative anal sex with her partner. She was seeking a product that would help numb the pain and I have to admit, my heart broke a little when I heard her experience. My early efforts at anal sex were met with horrible pain followed by so much discomfort so I could certainly relate to her concern.
I feel fortunate to now know that this certainly doesn’t need to be the case and am so excited to share some wisdom I’ve encountered along the way so that your anal experiences can be memorable in the best possible way. I speak from a woman’s point of view however the majority of these tips are appropriate for people of any gender and sexual identity seeking to dive deeper into anal play.
- Relax and breathe: This is so important. Stress and tension can prevent anal sex from being the incredible experience it is capable of being therefore ensuring you begin with a relaxed and excited head space free of expectations is key. Take time to drop in with your partner to communicate any concerns, fears, desires and boundaries, especially if it is a new experience for you both. Also just remember that sex doesn’t need be taken so seriously, make sure you have fun with it!!
- Anal training and foreplay: Prior to jumping straight into full blown anal penetration, I highly recommend putting time into foreplay. Rimming and fingering are some great ways to get warmed up to anal sex and having some quality butt toys if you’re into it can make the experience really fun.
- Safety & Cleanliness: I’ve heard many women and men voice fears over anal play, specifically when it comes to potential mess. The reality is, you are playing with a sometimes unclean area of the body so there are certain precautions to take that will eradicate some of the concerns. Showering prior to anal play as well as using condoms and dams means transmission of nasty bacteria does not occur. I also highly recommend cleaning your bottom out with a douche before partaking in bootie action as well as having some towels handy during the experience. I like to remind people as well that if someone wants to have sex with your butt then they must be ok with the possibility of an accident occurring. If not, anxiety and tension will be brought into the experience (Remember the 1st point…not great!). This brings me to my next point…
- A supportive partner: Whoever you choose to enjoy anal sex with, it is vital that there is a clear line of communication between you both. Being able to voice any discomforts, fears or concerns before, during and after anal sex (and any sexual act for that matter) is key to an enjoyable, fulfilling and pleasurable experience. Anal sex can make you feel extremely vulnerable, often bringing up intense feelings and emotions which is why mutual trust and respect is vital.
- Be prepared! A good quality lubricant is really important to ensure comfortable anal penetration. Silicone lubricants are my favourite options because unlike water based lubricants that can usually feel sticky, your body doesn’t absorb silicone meaning constant reapplication is not necessary. That means less fumbling around for you both and more emphasis put on making the experience enjoyable.
- Clitoral stimulation: For the ladies out there, clitoral stimulation can be a really great way of relaxing your body whilst having anal sex. It also means greater pleasure as having your butt stimulated amplifies your orgasms to astronomical heights. A finger or sex toy in your vagina can also be extremely gratifying but it does mean that it’s going to feel a lot tighter which could potentially be uncomfortable. Listen to your body and go with whatever feels good for you both
- Get to know your own butt through self-exploration: I am a huge advocate of women and men getting to know their own bodies before being intimate with another. It can be a really empowering thing to know what your body is capable of so that the road to reaching greater experiences with another can be shown.
- Anal sex is pleasurable: Last but most certainly not least, anal sex is a pleasurable experience, not a painful one!! I can’t stress this point enough as I have spoken with countless women who believe that to have anal sex means to feel lots of pain. Pain is your body’s way of protecting you from harm and when these messages are ignored then the repercussions can be horrible. Anal fissures & tears, bleeding, difficulties when going to the toilet, and unnecessary discomfort are just some of the issues that can occur from ignoring your body’s pain signals. During anal play, there may be a tightness or fullness experienced in your bottom which is perfectly normal however if pain is felt and is not going away, then take some time to slow it down or stop all together. Your body will thank you for it.
Anal sex can be an incredibly grounding experience for many people that provides you an experience of feeling really embodied. It is a beautiful way of connecting with your partner with the potential for exquisite pleasure for the both of you. Just remember to listen to your body & take it at your own pace!