I love sex. My whole life seems to centre around it. I work as a Sexologist and as a Sex Educator in and Adult Lifestyle Centre, all my personal growth work is sexuality focused. Lots of my friends are sex workers and work in the sex industry in some capacity. Oh and too top it off, it’s also my favourite thing to do in my spare time with my partner!
Just needed to give you the full picture so that you can understand the enormity of my decision to go celibate for three months. Yes, you heard correctly, no sex (oral, anal or vaginal) and no self-pleasuring for 12 whole weeks whilst being in a relationship. As I write this it has been a total of 4 weeks since I last had penetrative sex (2 weeks of full celibacy) and I am feeling the full spectrum of emotions that comes with choosing to go without one of the things I have come to value most in this world.
To be honest, much of my decision to be celibate for three months doesn’t make a whole heap of logical sense to me, it comes from an intuitive sense that this is the right thing for my body, mind and soul at this stage in my life. There are however a few reasons which come to mind when I think of the reason behind this journey:
- Since I began becoming aware of my sexual energy, I have always been outwardly sexually expressive. Whether that was self-pleasuring or connecting with others, I have never had a space in my life where sex hasn’t been an option. This is all well and good don’t get me wrong however it has meant that I have put a great deal of pressure and expectations on my body to be a certain way over the years (i.e. to give me pleasure). I had a curiosity of what it would be like to be without it.
- As mentioned previously, my life is very sex centric. This has meant I have created an identity for myself wrapped around the fact that I am a sexual person who needs to be this in order to be worthy of love. Who am I without this sexual identity? How can I discover love for myself regardless of this identity? These are the questions I desire to explore throughout my celibacy journey
- What has also been coming up for me is how I use sex as an outlet to feel good in my life. “Duh, of course you would” you may be thinking and I get that of course that’s why we have sex because it feels good! However just like reaching for chocolate when you’re feeling sad can detach you from the emotions you’re feeling, having sex just to escape feeling shitty can be destructive if it means you’re not facing what’s really going on for you. My celibacy journey so far has been a chance to see those times when I would otherwise look to sex to avoid feeling my feelings.
My choice to go 3 months without sex came from an empowered place and I am grateful to be with a man that loves me when I am in my power. In our relationship, we value freedom to follow what is true for us so my decision was met with lots of support. That doesn’t mean it is not frustrating for him (and me!!). There still exists a great amount of sexual desire between the two of us and it can be excruciating at times to not be following through with those desires. He has the freedom to follow through on his desires and whether that means connecting with others within our agreements is his choice to make. Being in a relationship certainly adds an extra layer of challenge to this already somewhat difficult adventure.
Sexuality is an aspect of ourselves that can often be hugely taken for granted. I have so much compassion for women and men who do not have the opportunities that I do to explore their sexuality. People with disabilities, a history of sexual trauma, or those living in a heavily sexually repressed society are just some of the individuals who lack the abilities to explore their sexuality as freely as I do. It is for this reason that my journey is about reclaiming a sense of gratefulness for all that my body and my sexuality offer in my life because it really is a gift not to be taken for granted.
Conscious celibacy is certainly not for the faint hearted. It takes courage, determination and a commitment to stick it out but I feel ready to continue setting out on this path to see what gold awaits me on the other side. Stay tuned…