I am coming up to 9 weeks of my celibacy journey and felt it was about time I shared another update on how the experience has been for me. I have been experiencing so much emotionally within this journey and with so much happening, it is often difficult to put into words. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster thus far and I expect when it is over and I begin integrating the lessons learnt, it will continue to be a turbulent ride.
To recap what my journey has consisted of in the case you didn’t read my previous article, I have gone 9 weeks without penetrative sex and 7 weeks without oral sex, masturbation/mutual masturbation or any kind of genital to genital contact. All this whilst being in a loving and passionate relationship. Prior to this, I can’t recall a time since I discovered my sexuality where I went more than a week without masturbation or sex. 3 more weeks of this and I am finished!
One of the biggest lessons I have received from this experience is that sexuality and sexual energy is not something to take for granted. When we’re in the midst of playing out our unhealthy attachments to sex, we are often blindsided to the fact that sexuality is sacred. Every sensation, each ripple of pleasure through our bodies, every stroke and every thrust is a divine gift. In a typical hard and fast approach to sex, we miss out on all the tiny little parts of it that make up the whole experience. We are not fully present to the whole experience therefore we cannot receive and feel it all completely. I have really felt a strong desire to bring greater respect, presence and honouring of my sexuality to my experiences with myself and others.
Sounds a bit strange right? Let me explain…I had this incredibly bizarre moment last week of not being able to recall what it is like to have an orgasm or to have intercourse. I have forgotten how sex feels and there was something almost magical about this. I told my partner that I feel like a virgin again and it turns out there was a lot in this once I unpacked it.
We have come to understand Virgin to mean a woman or man who has not had penetrative sexual intercourse however the word took on a different meaning once upon a time. Virgin used to be a word to describe a free, untied and independent woman – A woman whose sexuality was her own. Over time, we have connected Virgin to purity and absence of penetrative sex. We often lose our connection to being a virgin once we have sex however I feel this archetypal energy can be accessed regardless of the presence of a hymen.
Do you remember your first orgasm? That first experience of exquisite bliss that compares to nothing else you’ve ever experienced? How can we come back to the place of experiencing sensuality and sexuality as if it was our first time? How can we claim our sovereignty as an independent and complete person whose sexuality is not anyone else’s but ours? This to me is what reclaiming our Virgin is all about.
Another great lesson I have learnt throughout this journey has been the importance of having a connection on different levels with our intimate partners. As sex has been off the cards with my partner, it has made me look at all the other ways we can feel intimate and connected with each other. This has meant making time for massage and sensual touch which is so important regardless of having sex with each other. It has also meant lots of platonic play and fun, many deep intellectual conversations and also a great deal of time on our own to process the emotions and feelings this journey is bringing up for us both. Sex is SO important for us but it is not the only thing necessary in an intimate relationship.
Finally and most importantly, I have experienced a sense of who I am without being an outwardly sexual being. There is no avoiding the fact that I love sex and enjoy sexual pleasure in my life however I know that this does not make up all of who I am. Working as sexologist (and in the sex industry in any capacity) there feels enormous pressure to have it all together “sexually speaking”. I have felt the perceived expectations to be having great sex all the time otherwise I have felt like a bit of a fraud. This journey has really highlighted the fact that our sexuality is an evolving and naturally fluctuating aspect of ourselves. There will be peaks of orgasmic bliss accompanied with bouts of low desire and sexual satisfaction. There will be times where we may be called to be celibate and other times where being sexually intimate with multiple people may be serving us best. These fluctuations are completely normal and need to be supported!!
This journey has been incredible in so many ways and I am excited to see what continues to unfold from here. Stay tuned…
Originally published on http://www.adultsmart.com.au titled “My Celibacy Journey-A Born Again Virgin”